Guys, let me tell you something.

There are two kinds of secrets: The kind you hide behind your back in a box with wrapping paper or the kind you hide in the closet or in a book under lock and key.

You guys already know that my parents know nothing about me wanting gay right in this country. But you know what?

It's making me physically ill. Last night, I was up until 5 a.m. thinking and about throwing up from just even tthinking about how much I'm alienating myself from my mother. Mom is an understanding person, but she's just as ignorant and discriminatory as my father. She even makes a joke of it before having a serious talk with me. My whole family is just filled with prejudice. I think Mom is seeing some of it, but she doesn't want to say it to embarress me or find out it's not true.

But I was also thinking last night...

My grandmother died three years ago from a terrible illness that tore her insides up.

My last christmas present from her was a rainbow sock hat. It was hand knitted and I still have it. I wear it when ever I can.

Coincidence or a warning about the future and to stay strong?

My cousin gave me my first Bible as a end of school present. Inside was a note and I shall write it down excluding the personal stuff:

Hey Jess,

Didn't know if you had a compact, more modern Bible to use, so I left this one. I know times are particularly difficult around for you w/ school and family and such, but it's really encouraging how you've kept your calm demeanor and kept loving everyone. Always remember God made you and loves you and wants a personal relationship w/ you to grow all through Jesus. Loving Jesus is the most important and dependable thing you can do. I'll continue to pray for ya'll and know that no matter what, your family loves you.

Much Love, Matthew

My cousin is the closest family member to me other than my Mom and both my grandmothers. He is like an older brother to me. He is understanding and can help me with whatever I ask (except for math because he goes into too much detail about that)

I am almost wanting to come out and tell him my true thoughts. He wouldn't tell anyone unless I tell him so. Should I or should I not?

He made a point in his note and that is how I got my strength and understanding through the Bible. I only use it for hope and faith. I would never use it to hurt or offend anyone.

I think God (whether you believe him or not, I certainly do) has a plan for me and everyday he's making me stronger through trials. I think he gave me such a father and family so that I can know what not to do and be ready for a rough future to help the world.

My grandma and cousin are already getting me ready.

It's hard to keep such secrets inside, but I made a vow: I shall not tell my parents until I believe it is safe to come out and go against their thoughts.

In other news: I gots a new video: [link]

Check it out. It's a ZnAce fanfiction trailer!